The fabulous memoirs of Lord Rear Admiral Alan

Revenge of the Admiral

2008-01-10T23:19:00.000Z

A lot has happened in the near three years since my last post.

No longer can i consider myself a renegade, this time i am bringing it down from the inside.

The funding crisis - that is affecting physics in the uk - is my Coup de grâce.

From now on, I will be shaping physics research in the UK.

Consider this my resurrection.

The admiral.

Obituary

2005-05-06T12:10:00.000Z

Hey, I always wondered what happens if you read your own obituary. I saw an episode of the simpsons where grandpa simpson chases after a woman to a town called Branson where everyone is living in the past. At the show there are a load of celebrates who are past it, and everyone assumed were dead. Abe says to his boyhood hero, hey you are really dead, I have your obituary in my pocket. The guy turns to dust when he reads it.

I get a feeling of deja vu, like I have read or have already written, what I am writing here. I keep rehashing a crummy joke, but don't seem to remember doing so. Senilaty is fast approaching, if only I had heeded prof bobbletoffs advice and kept ahold of the Glenn cross.

I expect at least a double page spread in the torygraph, an 8 page pull out for my obituary in the guardian, the entire independent dedicated to my obituary (with a mean crossword at the back), although the times will probably only carry a few lines.

Well if I am gonna read it, I might as well just go the whole hog and write it myself.

Overlord Rear Admiral Alan, Master of the Universe, M.Sci. G.C. Ph.D. B.Sc. (bronze swimming certificate).

inventor of time, the first dimension, the second dimension, and co inventor of the third dimension. Leaded of the Movement Against Nachoes Ketchup and Yougat MANKY. His fine navy career took him to NAM, (well they have canals in Birmingham, don't you know).

After having read too much Nietzsche for his own good, Alan lived a double life, stuggling to find an absolute morality, his only inspiration a speech from that most fine astronomer JFK.

"ask not what astronomy can do for you, but what you can do for astronomy."

The admiral put astronomy before all else, and was a truly moral man, despite the genocide, terrorism, and bad jokes. His end was brought about by his alterego, Alan. No one knows anything about him.

Well i would love to stay and do this properly but I have to go and dance on his grave.

Mulleted Maestro

Judas

2005-04-30T12:46:00.000Z

Every man gets what he wants. I wanted a PhD, and for my sins they gave me one. When it is all over I wont want another.

I would like to use this opportunity to say just how great the academic establishment is in this country. I would also like to praise the wisdom of the research councils. Most of all however I would like to say how much I love the members of the RAS, and that I would love to have all their babies.

I want to tell all dislikers of the RAS to rot.

As of now I abdicate the title of Overlord, and choose to be know forever more as the Mulleted Maestro. My reign of terror has come to an end, and I will use my influence to promote clear and accountable democracy to the eurovision song contest.

Finally I appeal to anyone out there who can lead to the discovery of the identity of the Raw Power Guy to get in touch. Don't let him know we want to make contact however as I am pretty scared just thinking about the guy.

I expect a bit of stick for my complete turn around in opinion, especially from Billy boy, who will probably never speak to me again.

yours unfaithfully,
Mulleted Maestro

Overlord or time lord?

2005-04-29T09:50:00.000Z

Optimism suppressed the belief I had in the total failure of the quantum leap drive. Technological excellence is no substitute for maintaining the laws of cause and effect. There is no way that I can change the history of the RAS, without somehow changing myself. My own history is entwined to the RAS like vader to the force. My attempts to alter timelines has resulted in a visit from the Albert Einstein society of timeline preservation. Albo gave me the equivalent of a yellow card, attempting to break the laws of physics again will result in my erasure from history altogether.

I am not too disappointed however. The machine has another purpose, that I had not even considered early on, but is glaringly obvious. I have the power of eternal life. By creating a clone of myself, I can permanently transfer my life knowledge and experience to a younger version of myself to preserve my existence indefinitely. Sure I am young yet, but I will be able to retire my old body in mid sixties and start a new leaf of life in a twenty year old body.

It does raise ethical questions, I will need to train the young clone to actively work his brain so it is in optimum condition. Once I am ready I will have this young, probably brilliant physicist mindswapped, then terminated.

Even more tricky is the chance that he may outwit me, such a wise man will no doubt work out what I am scheming, and will attempt to have me erased. It is a chance I have to take to preserve myself indefinitely.

It turns out that one of my generals, Raw Power Guy, has been working on similar lines. His weakness is his vanity and his clone will replace him when he reaches mid thirties, in a bid to stay forever young.

The ECB has agreed to let us use Lords cricket ground as a meeting place, in exchange for my continuing work in winning the ashes for England. Dressing up as a crusader is not compulsory.

The Admiral

bella bella

2005-04-27T12:21:00.000Z

The FBI must be pissed off. The trail has gone cold, according to the times anyway. Been taking Italian classes, I have a friend who speaks Italian who never really got the difference between being pissed, and being off. Am never really sure what we are taking about.

Well my new found freedom has given me the chance to do more research. I have always believed I could revolutionize computer processing, and now I have. Finally I have the power to accurately predict the weather, simply from a few observable factors on the sun, and the current state of play on Earth.

So what? Well I will tell you what. Knowing how the weather works means that I know how to alter it. Sure it is not easy, I cant change summer into winter by pressing a button, but I can bring order to the previous chaos of seasonal weather. I can make it rain on Monday, by altering the knife-edge weather patterns on Saturday.

For what devious reasons would I want to do this? It all comes down to the cricket. The ability to manipulate the weather can cause or prevent a washout in a test match, changing a defeat into a draw, or an abandoned match into a win. If England win the first test, I can set all future tests on the verge of a washout.

The only problem I can see is not in the science. I just cant make England beat Australia on the pitch, I can only prevent a defeat off the pitch.

The weather machine does have other uses. I could cause a rainy election day, where the notoriously slack labour voters will stay at home, where as the hard core Tory vote will surely brave the elements.

I could even cause localized severe weather to damage pro RAS facilities.

despite my brilliance in this field, the main academic forces still ignore my work, but this will be to their detriment.

Your glorious leader,
Overlord Rear Admiral Alan,
Master of the Universe, M.Sci. G.C. PhD. Order of the Garter.

Never read a pop up book about giraffes

2005-04-25T11:31:00.000Z

Muhammad Ali said, "I am the greatest". He never said I am the greatest boxer, or the greatest motormouth, simply the greatest. If he was not the greatest boxer, if he had never been a boxer he said he would be the greatest bin man or whatever he did.

Sure everyone knows that I am the greatest astronomer of all time. That is practically indisputable. Astronomy is not everything though, I have been told, there is also life. I thought Ali was wrong, surely I am the greatest. Now I am not sure.

After astronomy, blogging must be the most important part of life. I dreamed of the sweetest blog, truly unforgettable, touching all who read it. Alas the divine blog eludes me, and all other blogs I write are simply a tribute to it.

I my quest, I have trawled the oceans of the blogosphere, seeking enlightenment. As I hit the next blog button, I kept finding that the blogosphere is a small place, dominated by miserable teenagers, and moody adults who wont accept they are not teenagers. Perhaps I am the only blogger on a quest. Am I the only one seeking out something that is not there? Should I just get a job?

I registered my blog with blogwise, a sort of search engine for blogs. They asked in return that I mention them on my blog, so I just have. From there I have found out why I should not do a PhD, and who wants to be the first Kuwaiti astronaut, see miscellaneous.

I guess it is just natural for an overlord to want more than he can possibably achieve. Has anyone found true meaning out there? Let me know. Pope Gregory IX need not leave a comment.

The admiral strikes back

2005-04-21T11:46:00.000Z

I just know that fine artist, genius and living legend, agent George Lucas will not let the world of astronomy down. His parody of the inner circle of the RAS is the finest example of the incompetent bureaucrats at work. The jedi council represents the power base of the RAS, with the rest of the jedi as their stooges.

Agent Georges eye for detail is immense. The hideous green skinned goblin "yoda" so closely resembles Sir Martin Rees that his own mother could not tell them apart.

The force is just a play on beard, as in "let your power flow from the beard" and "let the beard be with you".

Of course, agent George more than anyone wants to see change at the RAS. The wise leader, Billy boy, and his powerful apprentice, that's yours truly, fight the beard wars to take ultimate control of the RAS.

I have been pressing for the construction of star destroyers, to reach out to the galaxy, spreading our wisdom and culture whilst maintaining our strangle hold on power. A very wise man by the name of George W Bush, was very interested in my plans and began development immediately. However someone seemed to have hijacked the name "son of star wars" and turned the project into some pointless missile program. What is the use of a missile when our most deadly enemies live on a planet around Betelgeuse?

The Admiral

A good pun is its own reword

2005-04-20T18:14:00.000Z

Sweet, I have already thrown in a gag, and I have only written the title.

A swift departure from politics is in order, since I don't do it on this blog. NtK is a good place to start for that. A great blog is forming in my mind, and is just days away, until then I leave you in the incapable hands of my down to Earth alterego.

One last thing on the papacy, the owner of www.benedictXVI.com has promised not to link his site to porn.

This guy must be thinking that the higher powers are against him.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/050419/344/fgn6m.html

I found this free computer game on the web, food force, aimed at 8-13 year old children. In a bid to compete with violent computer games, the makers wanted to promote peace and friendship as an alternative to blowing stuff up. I asked a nearby 8-13 year old child what they thought and they said "I think its gay". Sounds like food farce to me. If you wanna play it, the link is under miscellaneous.

Alan

But it would mean changing the bulb

2005-04-19T11:41:00.000Z

Oh dear, I am worried about self consistency in my blog. Who would have thought it, since my favorite TV show and inspiration for a carrier in astronomy, red dwarf, was notable for its disregard of such things.

What kind of astronomer actually decided that is what they want to do after watching red dwarf? Only a melon.

This is the kind of man who failed his astro engineering exam no fewer than 13 times, 14 if you count the time I had that seizure.

Well it appears I have just missed the point on what I was talking about, rewind. szxcswzxsc

Yes Friday the 15th of April, Edinburgh castle, the butts cafe tribute band gig. With the entire Illinois state police surrounding the venue, how did I get in, perform a legendary gig then dash 57 miles along the interstate to deliver $5000 US to save a church from demolision whilst being chased by the ku klux klan?

Getting in was easy of course, I put on a dress and a bit of lippy and I was just another groupie. Opened the show with everybody needs somebody to love. They could not touch me on stage, and the last number the rest of the band walked to the front of the stage, whilst I jumped in the trap door.

I hot wired hitler's car, which pissed off the kkk even more, then set out on a destruction derby of a ride. Boom, crunch, smash, it looked just like the final scene from the film blues brothers.

Do you accuse me of ripping off a scene from a film and pretending that it happened to me in real life. Well one of em sang and the other played the sax, I play sixth lead guitar so it is totally different.

I ran out of gasoline after 38 mile of this police chase (145236452 kilometers for them that use em) so I followed standard procedure for getting the attention of another motorist, as demonstrated in the link.

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/050418/80/fglpr.html

the admiral

The story so far... part 2

2005-04-15T10:25:00.000Z

With his hopes dashed of a return to academia, the admiral releases his frustration on his ideological enemies. His incompetent leadership is highlighted by his failure to even come up with a name for the movement. His increasingly illogical schemes to overthrow the RAS leadership are matched only by their increasing brutality. His total defiance of the authorities, combined with his inspired and considerable recent academic output however, has lead to increased support from the astronomical community. The award of the Glenn Cross will ensure he will remain a major player in astronomy until he is captured/terminated.

Various national and international authorities have tried to clamp down on the admiral and his associates. He is being hunted down, like the bitch he is.

He is wanted by the royal navy for fraud, by fifa for bringing the game of football into disrepute, by the crown for treason, by Dr Who for impersonating a timelord, by MI5 for disclosing restricted information, by the Butts cafe tribute band for doing a runner with the bands funds, by the RAS for crimes against astronomy, by NASA for blackmail, by the home office for traveling with a forged passport, by the CIA for kidnapping, by the FBI on bribery charges, and the Hungarian police want to question him about a double parking incident.

His accomplice Raw Power Guy is wanted by Lady Melanoid for hot lovin.

Opinion about the admiral is widespread, a google search revealed the following.

The Times says, "makes Osama bin Laden look like a terrorist."
The Guardian says, "makes Karl Marx look like a communist."
The daily Telegraph says, "makes Thatcher look like conservative."
Private Eye says, "makes Steve Coogan look funny."
Gay times says, "makes Elton John look gay."
Raw Power says, "makes Arnie look ripped."
Amir says, "can I have a slice of lemon in that?"

See also the story so far, (archive March 2005).

RAS election 2005

2005-04-14T20:05:00.000Z

Once again the RAS has shunned the greatest astronomical mind of the age. The stuffy bureaucrats have chosen another brown nose bunch of paper pushers to tow the company line.

Among the candidates,

RAMAN PRINJA (A). B.Sc (Hons), Ph.D., Reader in Astronomy, University College London. Special interests: Massive stars - mass loss, atmospheres and photospheres; stellar evolution. Interacting binary stars. Accretion-disk-driven winds. Public Understanding of Science and widening participation. I would welcome and value the opportunity to serve the RAS.

surely no one will be fooled. raman prinja is raw power. Raw power is raman prinja.

I urge all loyal to the cause to vote for Overlord Rear Admiral Alan, Master of the Universe, M.Sci. G.C. O.B.E. PhD (pig headed doofas) using the link below.

http://www.rasweb.org.uk/rascms/images/stories/
ras_pdfs/election_candidates_2005.pdf

Shows that should never have been canceled

2005-04-13T11:22:00.000Z

My team has been developing in secret the new weapon to fight the leadership of the RAS. The idea had been put forward, in theory, by highly regarded physicist Ziggy, and now his baby has been put into practice. I have developed the quantum leap machine.

Hey have you ever wondered why the subtitle for my blog sounds like I ripped it off a TV show, well I have.

It is ironic, that the hologram in the show dressed up as a naval officer, whereas the dashing hero Sam Becket leaps into other peoples lives. Now the hansom Billy boy, is left as the phantom that only I can see or hear.

I have already given the machine a test run. Have you recently felt that England were cheated out of winning the 1986 world cup. Do you have memories of our victory, only to see that we lost to Argentina in the quarter finals. The test required a very blatant yet ultimately unimportant change in history. I leapt into the body of the match official, and instead of sending a player off for a blatant hand ball, I pretended not to see it and allowed play to continue.

Already people are accustoming themselves to a subtle change in history.

I also leaped into the body of a cleaner working in a ladies changing room in a Copenhagen gym. I spent 5 days there, and I did not mop the floor once. Why was I there? Well eventually one of the nimble looking beauties slipped on the floor and twisted her ankle.

I want to leap into the body of the English Astronomer Royal, Sir Martin Rees, to make a few changes but I need to do a few more tests first, and there is another gym in Oslo that I want to check out, I mean work in.

An invitation

2005-04-09T13:17:00.000Z

A letter came in the post addressed to Billy boy. It was an invitation for him plus one, to a dinner party at a vip house. The great and the good would be there. Charles and Camilla, Carl and Susan Kennedy, Clark Kent and Louis Lane, PJ and Duncan.

Well I am very pleased that Bill invited me.

Billy looks very fetching in a dress, but is stuban about the beard. It was down to me to glam up a bit. I settled on a charming floral Laura Ashley number.

The dinner went very well, we talked about music, particle physics and C&Cs upcoming wedding. All seemed to be going well, the dinner had finished and we expected a pot of tea to round off the evening. To my horror, the host brought out a round of cappocinos. Well we made our excuses and left in rather a hurry.

I don't want to shame my host, by reveling who it was, but I will not be attending future parties at their home.

Hey in my role as rear admiral, I found this article rather amusing.
Bookies brace themselves for Ginger's bottom.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/050409/325/ffzm9.html

In other news, Raw Power has come out of hiding and has updated his blog.

Later Bloggers,
Admiral

nam meeting ousts agent

2005-04-07T18:48:00.000Z

If you thought nam was bad the first time round, things have gotten even uglier.

The National Astronomy Meeting (NAM) in Birmingham, has uncovered the work of Agent Larry. One of the best covert agents, he now finds himself in full public glare. Last seen on BBC Devon, he now has no protection from RAS loyalists.

Further information can be obtained from:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/1/hi/sci/tech/4414481.stm

http://abc.net.au/science/news/space/SpaceRepublish_1340236.htm

http://www.sr.bham.ac.uk/nam2005/pr10.html

Agent Billy Boy will do all he can to help agent Larry avoid capture, torture, and certain death at the hands of the RAS.

Admiral

An apology

2005-04-07T11:41:00.000Z

Welcome bloggers, I feel that my previous blog was substandard. Think I must have had too much northern air or something. Mind you in terms of comments, it has been one of the most successful blogs to date. To make it up I will make it half price to view my blog for the next month. Yes raw power guy, I know half of nothing is still free, a gold star for you. Now back into character.

I have been to the most obscure parts of the country, many kilometers from civilization. Just yesterday I was out on the moores. I have come to the conclusion that light pollution has made viewing the night sky impossible in every part of the country.

I was not always a renegade member of the RAS. It was not long ago that I was pressing the council on important issues. In many cases we agreed on the principle ideas, but they never listened to how it should be put into practice. The final straw came when I put forward operation grand slam. I reasoned that a few well placed explosive devices could cripple the national grid for weeks, leading to massive blackout areas. The government would be powerless to resist, as they could not protect all the countries power lines. We would have them at our mercy, and could get them to agree to three hours a night without electricity in return for our ceasing of the campaign.

The weak RAS leaders ignored my suggestions, saying it would inconvenience millions, and would cause hundreds of deaths. They also said I was power hungry, insane, and obsessed with an astronomers utopia. They went as far to say that I would block out the sun if I could, just to use the telescopes continuously. Honestly what jokers, why would I want to block out the sun, when I can make observations of it?

I call upon all astronomers everywhere to unite, and together we can lead this planet to a golden age of enlightenment.

The Admiral

Please note that the bitter and twisted words of the admiral, are complete fantasy. He does not even exist. This blog should not be taken seriously, and there is no need to contact the authorities. I don't want to see a fully armed metropolitan police team surrounding the library when I write my blog, its really difficult to clean up the mess.

Admiral update

2005-04-04T15:12:00.000Z

Made it into the uk without a hitch. Bill distracted customs by doing the high wire, when i passed through the gates.

Have been studying pidgeon behavior, customs and rituals this week. Taking notes in a park, think i have cracked into the pidgeon psyche. Got chucked out of the park after about three days, the park patrol insisted that i stopped collecting pidgeon poo samples.

Actually there is not much to update, except that i will be inspecting the prototype x wing helmit that will be standard issue to all physics professors from september 2005.

I must get in contact with all the anti RAS cardinals, so that we can bring in a strong physicist as the next pope. Suggestions welcomed.

the Admiral

Pink Floyd Suck?

2005-03-31T23:08:00.000Z

Even insane megalomanic astronomy students take time out to listen to music, watch tv, re catalogue their people to have assasinated list, etc

A few days ago, prof hans bobbletoff left a message posted on this blog. Sure i denied reading it at first, just my imagination like that noble peace prize. I looked again today, and it is still there.

"Finally, a momentous twin announcement. After months of deliberation, argument and soul-seeking, two pillars of seeming immensity and solidity have finally and irrevocably crumbled. I thus say to you; Radiohead suck! Pink Floyd suck! They are both shite! Dare to defy me!"

I believe in a four tiered structure of the music industry. At the foundation, we have the classics, Beathoven, Bach, Wagner. Above them are the untouchables, groundbreaking artists who influence many who include Dylan, Rolling stones, Hendrix, Bowie, Pink Floyd. Then there are the great musicians above them. Finally the tripe at the top.

By removing a pillar from a tier, the musicians in the tiers above fall down like the shit that they are. No one has to like the classics or the untouchables, or enjoy their music. All they have to do is accept they are untouchable. Sure the prof may not enjoy the floyd, but are they shit? No.

Give that man a medal

2005-03-30T17:37:00.000Z

My ground-breaking paper on cold fusion has been rejected by the astrophysical journal. I had discovered the secret of cold fusion by accident in my laundry basket. By carefully arranging the socks by colour I was able to generate a substantial source of heat. I have got the process down to an art.

Who would have thought that the admiral would single handedly solve the global energy crisis. I definitely deserve to be knighted (again), and personally congratulated by Dick (the boss)Cheney.

The editor of the astrophysical journal did not seem to think so however. In his rejection, he sited my paper as being, like my laundry basket, a stinking pile of tosh. He said he was 99% sure that the heat produced was the result of my laundry basket being close to the radiator. He also quibbled about cold fusion being an unsuitable paper for the astrophysical journal.

Well I have altered the type face and given myself a few extra titles and sent it right back to 'em. I don't know how I can work with these morons.

In other matters, I will be meeting up with the other band members this weekend. It is not going to be easy with the police, MI5, MI6, and the vigilante division of T.W.A.T.S. (the Trade union of Welsh Astronomy Teachers and Students) all looking to apprehend me. (Hey I don't know why the RAS don't think I will make a great physicist, half the day is spent coming up with crap acronyms).

I gotta get in the country for a start, and with every airport, ferry and the tunnel looking out for me, I am gonna need to weave a bit of admiral magic to get in.

Well bill has safely arrived in the UK. He gets special royal protection from the Queen. I cant wait to see his new tea set.

How to cope without bill

2005-03-29T09:29:00.000Z

I woke up on Sunday morning gasping for a cup of tea. Looked at the empty pillow besides my head and remembered bill isn't here.

The guy is a hero, no matter what kind of trouble with the authorities we are in, he never lets things seem bad. I had no milk, and being a bank holiday I did not expect to get any. A quick tour of the kitchen brought up only one realistic alternative, whipped cream. Hey, I thought, same difference.

I stirred it all in, and it looked rank. I closed my eyes and brought the cup to my lips, yuk, I spat it out and tipped the rest down the sink.

I am worried about bill, he may be good at the domestic stuff, but he is never going to outrun the RAS. I got a text last night, he was pulled up by the Hungarian police. He stayed calm and it turned out his headlights were not switched on.

So what am I doing about the prototype fusion reactor? Is it really true, that I am holding the global physics community to ransom by maintaining this pointless deadlock over the location of the project? In a word, yes!

Hey they don't want me on board, so why should I let anyone else on. Besides I always thought malumbimby would have made a much better site.

BBC Subtitles 888 - Hours of comedy

2005-03-27T13:38:00.000Z

Been to university? Too posh to watch football? Don't want to admit to the old man you are a class traitor?

BBC Subtitles page 888 is the solution!

Yes you have not used it for a while, and neither has anyone else. The spelling is so bad it is funny. Yesterdays England vs Northern Ireland match was farcical. Classic lines include "the Irish are about to bring two serbs off the bench". Not constrained to sport, any live broadcast will fall foul of the doofas curse.

Next time you gotta watch the match, just say you have an ear infection, and the rest is history.

By the way, check out the link to RP's blog (under construction).

Sven pressure

2005-03-26T17:46:00.000Z

Good afternoon Bloggers,

The football association cottoned on to operation ultimate donkey, and agent Sven was forced to abort the mission. There is a serious possibility of a mole in the organization. Be aware of this when disclosing information.

From an artistic point of view however, great match today. Terry, J.Cole and Rooney had a fantastic game.

Budapest has become too dangerous. The RAS are looking out for duodecagenarian male, with a Scottish accent traveling with a male companion, no description, who may be dressed like an admiral. We have had to leave the city separately and will rendevous on Wednesday. Until then I will have to make my own scones.

The RAS are not happy that I am applying pressure on the royal family. Their influence in RAS circles cannot be underestimated. Currently 3 senior royals support my cause, and I am in the process of blackmailing Prince Harry. I have photographic evidence of him putting litter in a bin, helping an old lady across the road and other general good deeds. If this was made public, it would ruin his reputation.

I cannot stay put much longer, communications will be resumed Monday.

The Admiral

Please note that the contents of this site are totally ficticious, and that they should not be taken seriously. I do not want the FBI to pay a visit, the people that live here are scary enough as it is.

Subliminal message alert

2005-03-26T09:11:00.000Z

All you bloggers out there, whether loyal to the RAS or looking for regime change, will surely treasure your copy of Mary L Boas Mathematical Methods in the Physical Sciences 2nd ed. The Angelina jolie of the physics community, Mary is a fine example to all physicist out there.

Agent Tony Hart in his duel role as artist and lecturer has been working the UK network for decades recommending this fine piece of work to undergrads across the nation. The rarer 2nd ed is known to contain coded messages, describing the eventual overthrow of NASA. This edition has only been given to the most trusted physicists and it is no accident that you own a copy. Details of translation will be given out shortly.

Agents out there working within the football association, will have noticed the overt operation, ultimate donkey, is taking place at old trafford today. Agent Emile Heskey will be recalled today, make a note of the time each time he mysteriously falls over.

On a lighter note, I have been made aware of Star Wars Holiday Special. Has anyone out there seen it? Really Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill all got together to make it.

I am currently operating from Budapest, since MI6 are hot on my heals. They have been gunning for me ever since I started collecting my Navy Pension, not bad for an admiral actually. Well how was I supposed to know that only real admirals are entitled to a pension. Billy boy was wounded in a gun battle yesterday, not badly, but he wont be ably to pour out the tea for a while.

New tour dates added

2005-03-25T16:52:00.000Z

Welcome Bloggers,

In honour of Billy boys 147th birthday, the Butts Cafe Tribute Band will be altering their tour dates. On April 15th the band will be playing at Edinburgh castle, and Billy will be guest vocalist.

All songs will be taken from the latest album, "Young, gifted and slack" and we will be performing our current US/UK chart topper "show me the way to the dole queue".

This will be the first time the band has toured since last summers abandoned tour after frank and iggy were tragically killed in a freak meteorite impact.

The new line up has Greg Chuckle on drums; Silent John on keys; Alexman, Mike, Grey, Dave, Tim Chuckle, and myself on guitar; and the game on vocals and bass. Please note that we are in need of a 7th guitarist, and if you know of someone who could fill these boots get in touch.

Further tour dates and ticket information can be reached at www.dont.be.a.doofas.and.follow.this.link.com

The story so far...

2005-03-25T15:01:00.000Z

Rejected by the UK physics council for being too radical, too mould breaking, too dangerous, perhaps even too shit to continue in the academic establishment, the admiral has become a renegade working underground to corrupt the youth of the British nation to the dark side, theoretical astrophysics.

He strives to lead a dark army to overthrow the powers that be and establish himself as chief astronomer of the Royal Astronomical Society. He associates with all manner of suspicious characters, in his bid to claim the noble prize for physics.

His only companions are Princess Melanoid Hoosenoid Boosenoid of Arundel (HRH), who uses her royal connections in her role as insider at the RAS, and Billy boy, the hologram of a lovely 140 year old man who loves to throw tea parties.

He wants you to join this most unsavory bunch of desperadoes, just as soon as he gets to grips with the gremlins in his blog.

Beagle gambit pays off

2005-03-25T14:34:00.000Z

Yes some of you are already aware and many more of you have suspected this, and today i can finally confirm that i, Overlord Rear Admiral Alan, Master of the Universe, did hijack the beagle 2 mission to mars.

In colaberation with an insider collegue at the European space agency, Damion Hurst, we fitted a jamming device and transmitter to the lander, preventing ESA from getting their grubby mits on the valuable data. I have spent the last year working on the data, and am now ready to publish my thesis on the six types of microscopic life that i have discovered on Mars. Please see www.admiral.alan.does.a.mars.walk.ac.uk for details. Surely i will get the nobel prize for this paper.

Note that this is a secure site and its contents are for a privaleged few. Be careful not to leave paper copies of this blog where a member of the RAS could get to it.

Finally an evil laugh, wha ha ha ha...

The Admiral

Note that this work is fiction, and should not be taken seriously. I do not want a visit from the SAS, i think i would cry like a little baby.

The beginning

2005-03-24T10:49:00.001Z

Well this is it, the truly fabulous memoirs of Overlord Rear Admiral Alan, Master of the Universe, M.Sci.

I must make a few things clear from the start. The fabulous memoirs of Lord Rear Admiral Alan are not going to be fabulous. Far from fabulous in fact. Neither for that matter am I a lord of the realm. I dont even know what overlord means, except it sounds more extravagant than plan old dull boring lord. Oh and I use the two interchangeably only because the name of my blog was too long to fit the over bit in.

Since this is a bit of a confession, I am not a actually a rear admiral either. I do have a masters degree in astrophysics however so it is not unreasonable for me to abuse the title master of the universe. Well to be honest it is a bit of a cheek.

Perhaps a more fitting title would be the pointless rants of Alan the bum.

Well it needs to be said that two days ago I did not know what a blog was. A friend sent me a link to her site and asked me to leave a comment. I thought that I should register a name to comment with and in five minutes I had my own blog to look after. Bugger.

Well I will make the most of it, by making it totally unreadable.
What's that, you are still reading, well if you have made it this far, leave a comment.

Alan